I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
