she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
