He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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