The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
