Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
