matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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