Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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