Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
