An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
