Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't just leave with hair like that
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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