I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize