Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
