Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
