This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
