I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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