There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
