I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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