I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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