I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
