I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
