i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
