I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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