so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
