So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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