Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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