he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
