I'm sorry my penis didn't work
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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