You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize