I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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