dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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