This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
