Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
