A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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