So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
