just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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