I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
