addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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