Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
as a side note pls kill me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
