Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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