I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
