That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
