if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
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