Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
