i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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