I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
now i know why i became what i already was.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
