I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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