No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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