when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
