If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
