I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
