a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
