Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
