Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
