Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
