We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
