Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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