Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
